Grumpy

March 30th, 2005

I'm grumpy. I'm post call and I'm exhausted. I started my first day on L & D and was on call all night. It was my worst call ever in terms of sleep. I saw my call room once and only for 30 mins!

I don't really like obs/gyn. But it just be that i'm starting from 'scratch', as in, i'm having to learn new things from the beginning. It might also be that i'm grumpy from being post-call.

On the flip side, i went to my first massage therapy appointment today and it was great! they really know their stuff.

ok, back to bed,
s

Transformation

March 27th 2005

I'm not sure what to say. I am pleasantly surprised, astounded, really. When you not only survive, but actually thrived in an experience you previously dreaded, you have no option but to surface from the waters wide-eyed and grinning at your God, your Rock and Best Friend.

I hated surgery after my summer elective. I hated the details and technicalities of it. Sure enough, it was my first clerkship rotation. And being the first rotation and all, I was truly overwhelmed and pensive during my first week. But what happened in the ensuing 7 weeks was quite literally amazing to observe. I don't think i have ever experienced God's swift, efficient, and graceful transformation in my life as vividly as I did in the past months. I could hardly recognize the character I played each morning in the hospital anymore. From bewildered med student to confident & engaged clinical clerk. But by the grace of God. I loved my team: the nurses, residents, staff, and patients. I loved the work. I will miss them alot. I absolutely love this crazy world of medicine.

Do you know how many downright profound things happen? Too many to tell. Life happens in hospitals. Sadness, grief, happiness, and joy. Desperation and hope. I am still processing through the emotions & feeling of performing CPR on a clinically deceased patient whose ribs I could feel crackling beneath me. We tried for 6 hours. We failed. Or the patient who would hear for the first time that they had cancer, and not only in a single organ, but metastasis elsewhere. Or being with a patient whose heart is in arrythmia and journeying through their fears and thoughts throughout the course of the night. What a privilege.

Tommorrow, I begin my 3 weeks of Labour & Delivery. I will begin a worse call-schedule than surgery. 1 in 3 call for 3 weeks. Medicine comes with a price. The price of not being able to do other things that empassion me. I can't wait to play the Felix Borowski piece for violin & piano called "adoration". I can hardly hold back from playing my violin or guitar and singing my heart out in worship. I anticipate that i will be missing 2 out of the next 3 weeks of church. But I must realise that this is a short-term sacrifice for hopefully a long-term way to serve.

I use to spend much needed time song-writing. I miss that so much. I also miss playing hockey. I miss that alot. But I tell myself it's ok. Because I truly enjoy learning to be a doctor. And what makes me so happy right now is that I anticipate much more balance in my life once these next 3 weeks of no-sleep-delivering-babies ends. At least the rest of my rotations will be less crazy (other than internal medicine, that is).

ok, time to sleep.
s

A full body workout

March 1st, 05

Wow, it's been at least 2.5 months since I last wrote. Crazy! So much has happened since Dec 18th. I went back to BC for 6 weeks and then returned to begin my surgical clerkship rotation at St. Joes on Jan 31st...and it's been one eventful ride since then.

The past 2.5 months have certainly been profound and have been many a stimuli for reflection. I hardly had any rest during my so-called 'Christmas Vacation', and then promptly spent my first week of my family medicine elective in BC virtually bed-ridden from a nasty, nasty case of acute bronchitis. At one point i thought it was my dormant malaria parasites coming out and running havoc, as the last time i was this sick I was in Nigeria fighting off what has probably malaria.

My time in BC was great in terms of spending time with family and close friends. But the truly perplexing thing was that I felt like I wasn't 'home'. I felt neither rest, recuperation, security, stability nor comfort being back in BC. I longed to be back in Hamilton. Part of it was that i was constantly living out of a backpack, living in at least 2 different places on a weekly basis since my elective was 1.5-2 hours away from Greater Vancouver. I had a distinct sense that the 'up-and-move' Shermeen of young was ceasing to be...at least for now. I longed for stability and rootedness.

Less than 24 hours after landing in Pearson airport, i began my first true clerkship rotation: surgery. 2 weeks of orthopedic surg & 2 weeks of urology now done, i'm now in my first of 4 weeks of general surgery. I actually really enjoy clinic and the OR but i really don't enjoy the technicalities of surgery. More and more i want to go into Family medicine.

It's been rather tiring. I usually spend 11-12 hours/day in the hospital if i'm not on call. And if i AM on call, i'm on for at least 30 hours straight. I'm usually on call every 3rd or 4th day. Today, i kept on falling asleep during the day...not great as i was assisting in operations for most of the day. As long as I don't fall face first into someone's bowels or breasts and contaminate the field i'm ok...

But the greatest learning curves have come from the great grueling of character that comes in clerkship. I don't think i can articulate just how much of a character building process clerkship is. You question your identity, your calling, your knowledge base, your rapport with patients, your intentions and motivations, your honesty, your boundaries, your self-confidence etc.... You make interesting observations about your supervisors, your colleagues and the way the health system works. You make incredible friendships and bonds with both patients and colleagues and you realise just how much of a blessing and priveledge it is to be in medicine and serve. You also realise very acutely how much of a sacrifice it is to devote the amount of heart and soul and mind into caring competantly for people, especially when your pager goes off at 3am in the morning. You build a thick skin quickly.

I find that I am much more distant than i've used to be to my patients because now instead of allowing myself to cry after rounds, let's say...i stop myself from even going down that path. I simply can't. Which brings me to my current thought...that i'd like to spend an extra year after i graduate from my family medicine residency maybe in palliative care (or emerg, or anesthesia, or sports medicine). I've seen so many cancer patients of late and i just want to spend time with them. Time i don't have because my pager goes off and i have to see the next patient in Emerg that needs a surgical consult. To see that next patient in the ER that will most likely have already spent way too long in the waiting room and the Emerg assessment/examination room. I will get pressured or yelled at by either patients, families or members of the health care team. But with my thickened skin and my love for people, and most of all, the reality that I am actually a child of Christ, anchored in His calling.... I finish the day, enjoy the learning and love what I'm doing.

My shoulders and back hurt from holding bodily organs and surgical tools all day. tommorrow i'm on call, and i hope i get a decent call room with a non-squeaky bed. A bedside lamp would be nice too. I love this! Times to be cherished!! And i actually mean it!!!
love,
s