Transformation

March 27th 2005

I'm not sure what to say. I am pleasantly surprised, astounded, really. When you not only survive, but actually thrived in an experience you previously dreaded, you have no option but to surface from the waters wide-eyed and grinning at your God, your Rock and Best Friend.

I hated surgery after my summer elective. I hated the details and technicalities of it. Sure enough, it was my first clerkship rotation. And being the first rotation and all, I was truly overwhelmed and pensive during my first week. But what happened in the ensuing 7 weeks was quite literally amazing to observe. I don't think i have ever experienced God's swift, efficient, and graceful transformation in my life as vividly as I did in the past months. I could hardly recognize the character I played each morning in the hospital anymore. From bewildered med student to confident & engaged clinical clerk. But by the grace of God. I loved my team: the nurses, residents, staff, and patients. I loved the work. I will miss them alot. I absolutely love this crazy world of medicine.

Do you know how many downright profound things happen? Too many to tell. Life happens in hospitals. Sadness, grief, happiness, and joy. Desperation and hope. I am still processing through the emotions & feeling of performing CPR on a clinically deceased patient whose ribs I could feel crackling beneath me. We tried for 6 hours. We failed. Or the patient who would hear for the first time that they had cancer, and not only in a single organ, but metastasis elsewhere. Or being with a patient whose heart is in arrythmia and journeying through their fears and thoughts throughout the course of the night. What a privilege.

Tommorrow, I begin my 3 weeks of Labour & Delivery. I will begin a worse call-schedule than surgery. 1 in 3 call for 3 weeks. Medicine comes with a price. The price of not being able to do other things that empassion me. I can't wait to play the Felix Borowski piece for violin & piano called "adoration". I can hardly hold back from playing my violin or guitar and singing my heart out in worship. I anticipate that i will be missing 2 out of the next 3 weeks of church. But I must realise that this is a short-term sacrifice for hopefully a long-term way to serve.

I use to spend much needed time song-writing. I miss that so much. I also miss playing hockey. I miss that alot. But I tell myself it's ok. Because I truly enjoy learning to be a doctor. And what makes me so happy right now is that I anticipate much more balance in my life once these next 3 weeks of no-sleep-delivering-babies ends. At least the rest of my rotations will be less crazy (other than internal medicine, that is).

ok, time to sleep.
s